Dear Xanga,


       Nice to see you in the same condition I left you.  Why are you so appealing to me?  Why do I feel the need to pour out my heart to you and thus entitling the whole XangaLand to see my heart as well?.  Oh xanga I love you and I hate you.  But right now, at this moment, you are what I need.  Major descions are in the process of being made in my life.  Pray for me.  Pray that the Lord gives me clear direction. I am in the middle of teaching an ESL class downtown. It hurts my heart to teach those kids.  God it breaks me.  Could I really do it everyday?  Am I the one for that?  If not that then what? I am at a loss… I am at this point in my life where I just wanna be free.  The other day I was walking out of the GC and this man (about 35 years old) comes skipping out of the GC, yelling “I am free!”  Ok so yeah for you being free dude.  So he says it more than once then he proceeds to tell me why he is free.  Well you see this fellow was gonna be 2 credits short of graduating but instead he somehow changed one of his electives to count even though he had made a “D” in it.  Yippe he now gets to walk in May and be done with this stage of his life.  Oh how I wanted that to be me.  Eight months ago i cried myself to sleep for 33 straight days because I missed this place so much. Now I want more than ever to just get away….far far away.


Dios me encuentra aquí. Encuéntreme donde soy y me muestra donde Usted me necesita ser

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I need a break

I am taking a break from AIM, Facebook, Myspace and Xanga for a while.  A lot has been going on in my life.  There are so many things I need to process, think about and evaluate.  I need to go back to the basics with Jesus.  I need Jesus now more than ever.  This week I am going to seek His face and I’m not giving up until He shows up.  See ya then.

     Gosh guys I don’t know what to say, but I feel as though I have to say something because it has been over a month. I had an amazing break and an even more amazing 22nd birthday.  This break I had to much planned, but my computer died and ruined all my plans.  So basically I just like caught up on so much beauty sleep I could be a frickin’ model.  But yeah now I procrastinate even more as I feel the need to inform the xanga world of my currant life situations.  This week I was called anti-social.  Now usually I guess I would just blow this comment off , but it was made by a guy I had just met once and I thought we had a good conversation.  That thought brings me to case in point. Perception is reality.  Really it is.  So if anyone was wondering…I don’t consider myself anti-social and now because of the power of Myspace messages, I doubt he does either. 


    In other news…I recommend Walk the Line the story of Johnny Cash.  I also recommend reading for pleasure, it rocks my socks off.  And um yeah this guy said “you make time for the things that matter, even if you don’t have it.” i agree with that.  And one last thing:  Drink lots of water and let your friends know you care.

Dear Xanga,


       The most exciting thing that has happened since we’ve last met is my baby sister was born.  February 8 Zoey Renee Berzas was born.  So far I heard she’s a good kid.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading for pleasure lately.  I don’t wanna become a “starving baker.”  (if you don’t know what that is just ask).  I read Buck-Naked Faith and Messy Spiritually both of which seriously rocked my world and changed my view that Christianity  fits into this little box.  Sure put you can out Christians in a box, but make sure it’s a big one.  Well ok that’s kinda what I got from these books.  They are a lot alike and really flow together well.  So that’s my recommends  for improving your life. Do with it what you’d like.


     There’s good news and there’s bad news.  Good news is that I am over my “Crush.”  A good friend gave me some good advice.  Basically he said that people change and if I were to expect them to accept the changing that I have made then I was to accept the change in them.  And then he told me that I am hanging on the the past and to what (my crush) used to be.  I realized that all he said was totally true and right then and there I decided that holding on to what that person was will never change who he is.  So I’m really really over him.  Now for the bad news:  we aren’t even friends.  I guess I am OK with that because we’ve both changed and I can move on with new friends.  I guess really what I am having a hard time with is that I knew somethings would change and others would stay the same, but it’s the things that I thought would stay the same but have changed which really bother me.  Ok well I guess it’s about time I get used to change. Thanks for listening.


     Also here are some words that I discovered I really like:  Intriguing, Vindicated, Multifaceted, Plethora.  All of which spell check had to fix.  So I’m thinking that there will be a day when I learn how to spell. Perhaps that day shall also come when I learn how to make my subject and verbs agree in tenses.

     Times are stressful because I am working three jobs, studying like crazy, and contemplating the next move I need to make in this game called life.  But on the flip side, I am also cultivating relationships, learning some new and exciting words, and falling more in love with the Lord each day.  So all in all I have finally subjected myself to a life of balance, for now anyway.

I have been working on this list for a long time.  Here is 100 things that you may not know about Jessie B.  Which ones surprise you the most?

 

 

  1. I love children and youth.
  2. I enjoy working out.
  3. I have 3 brothers and 2 younger sisters and a girl on the way.
  4. I like listening to music in other languages.
  5. I want to be fluent in Spanish.
  6. I want to live overseas.
  7. I hate to type.
  8. I love to write.
  9. I really don’t care for flowers. Just spend time with me.
  10. At night I lay awake in bed for hours at a time. Nearly every night
  11. I am not a morning person.
  12. I love to read.
  13. This summer I learned how to play Texas Hold ‘em and I love it.
  14. I really like hip hop music.
  15. I like music in general a lot.
  16. I want to be a restaurant owners wife.
  17. I don’t think I will marry a white boy. Maybe Italian  or Latino. .
  18. I played softball for 11 years.
  19. Hurricane Rita messed up my town.
  20. I read for fun almost every night before I go to sleep.
  21. I am the only “born again” Christian in my whole family.
  22. I really enjoyed sewing in high school.
  23. My dream job would be to teach Home Ec and coach softball.
  24. I really like sign language and I know a little.
  25. I enjoy dancing.
  26. Last semester I had to stay home and work.  I learned a lot about life.
  27. I lived in New Orleans until I was 11.
  28. My parents got divorced when I was in 8th grade.
  29. I am on facebook.
  30. Selena is my favorite movie.
  31. Trivia pursuit and Monopoly are the greatest games ever invented.
  32. I play poker online at partypoker.com
  33. I can’t cook.
  34. I’d work even if I were rich.  I enjoy working.
  35. So far I have moved 18 times. Yea I know, I hate moving
  36. I am super organized in every area except my room and car.
  37. I hate with a passion the chore “mopping.”
  38. I can sometimes be bossy (well I am the oldest of 7!)
  39. It takes a very long time to get to know me.
  40. In Jr. high my friends and I used to write songs with hopes of singing them one day.
  41. I grew up Catholic.
  42. I love salads.
  43. I like candles. I can’t wait to have many all over my house.
  44. I am very independent.
  45. I played the clarinet for 7 years.
  46. I can be a klutz.
  47. When I haven’t slept much I can be funny. real funny
  48. I flew for the first time last summer. To Maryland. I only cried a little.
  49. I want to work at Chuck E. Cheese.
  50. I really enjoy roller-skating.
  51. I became a born again Christian at the age of 15.
  52. I went to the Czeck Republic with ORU missions this past summer.
  53. Some shade of purple has always been my favorite color.
  54. My grandparents speak mostly French to each other.
  55. CSI is my favorite show on TV.
  56. In grade school I watched 4-5 hours of TV a day.
  57. I used to go roller-skating every weekend in Jr. High.
  58. My favorite subject in High School was Free Enterprise.
  59. I worked at the Greyhound bus station for 2 years in college.
  60. I ‘m writing a book about my life.
  61. Not really a jewelry person, but you’ll rarely see me without earrings.
  62. I never liked coffee until I came to college.
  63. I don’t like talking on the phone.
  64. I am a horrible speller.
  65. I don’t like to go shopping.
  66. I don’t like chocolate…ok I like white chocolate.
  67. I believe your time is the most important thing you can give a person.
  68. Growing up we always had dogs and I love them puppies.
  69. In High school I drank about 8 cokes a day, now it’s like one a month.
  70. I don’t like going to walmart.
  71. I could live in a hotel. I don’t know why, I just like them a lot.
  72. I enjoy video games. Not the killing ones though.  More into the sports/puzzle ones
  73. I was in love once…
  74. I am really shy until you get to know me then I talk a lot, sometimes too much
  75. I say what is on my mind. That gets me into trouble a lot.
  76. I still give something up for lent every year even though I am not Catholic.
  77. I really like to laugh.
  78. I think Jay Leno is funny.
  79. I want to travel the world.
  80. I am scared of swimming in natural bodies of water.
  81. I like to climb trees.
  82. I love quotes.
  83. My first summer of college I did summer school and worked at the paint shop
  84. I don’t like fireworks.
  85. I went to Mexico in 2001.
  86. I always have a ponytail on me or with me.
  87. I can’t eat unless my hair is pulled back.
  88. I like to tell stories.  Real ones and made up ones.
  89. I wanted to be a writer until I was about 15.
  90. I don’t really like to drive long distances.
  91. I drink coffee with a straw.
  92. I like to play video poker at the casino.
  93. I won $1,400 at the casino this December.
  94. I am not supposed to have dairy products.
  95. I am hypoglycemic  (low blood sugar).
  96. My I worked at Camp Sonshine in Maryland one summer.
  97. I aspire to live in Colorado one day.
  98. I tie my shoes different than you.  I’ll show you sometime.
  99. My favorite coffee drink is a triple venti soy no whip raspberry white chocolate mocha.
  100. I want to go skiing every year for the rest of my life.

Why do girls like guys that are so mean to them?  I used to be the kind of girl that believed that you could chose who you liked. If you didn’t want to like someone them you could stop yourself.  Up until last year I was right. I had successfully guarded my heart and stopped myself from falling for any boys. Silly boys, such a waste of Jessie’s Berzas’ precious time.  Yeah then it happened. You happened.  Your frickin smile. Your charming ways.  Such a great conversationalist you silly boy you.  How could I be so dumb?  How could I be so careless?  I fell for you last year.  I thought time would make these feeling go away.  I saw you not too long ago and the feelings were gone.  Yes!  I am over him.  But then…but now… Gosh you had to do it. You had to hug me and invade my bubble.  I don’t like touch for a reason. You had no idea. I ain’t blaming you.  Don’t touch me.  Don’t look at me. I don’t want to like you. I want to be your friend.  You are a great person.  Take that back. I thought you were.  Lately I don’t know.  That is how it has to be.  So you have to be mean to me?  Just like at the end of last year.  So now we are back to that.  It’s not fair. I’ve done nothing to you. I’ve done nothing to deserve this.  I don’t want to like you. I’ve done this a thousand times. I’ve made myself stop before. Why, why not now!!!???  Now more than ever I know you are wrong for me. I don’t need someone in my life. I don’t need someone like you in my life.


*****EDIT at 6:51pm*****
I wrote this in anger.  I was angry at myself for not being as disciplined as I used to be when it comes to boys.  I feel better now that I went for a run. Now upon reading this again, I almost want to make it a private entry but I decided to keep it this way.  So what if anyone can read it.  I am the realest person I know.  So what if he can read it.  I don’t care.  I don’t think it would change a thing about the situation.  So here I am…more open than I have ever been.

Back to school.  Back to school.


I am finally back at ORU.  Chapel was great today.  I was surrounded by great people  and president Roberts changed the dress code.  We can now wear jeans.  I moved onto Imago and I live with Nikki.  Last night we talked and I found out her real name is Jessica Nicole.  So we have the same first name.  Anyway, I am so so very glad to be back.  I missed all my friends like crazy. 


 


Highlights of my break


Right before I came back to Tulsa I went visit my friend Liz in Tennesse.  That was eventful.  It was nice relaxing with her.  I really enjoyed the church that she attends, which is great because since the Czech I haven’t enjoyed church at all.  It took me 14 hours to drive to Tulsa. 


So I joined Facebook.  You should too.  Anyway I got in touch with a girl that I was like best friends with in Jr. High.  And because of facebook we started talking again and went out to lunch.  I really needed that.  It was great to discuss old times and stuff.



Conclusion

I can’t explain how I feel.  This is a rarity for me.  I am glad to be back.  I learned so much while I was away.  I really took ORU and all it has to offer for granted.  I wish I had more time here.  Ok enough sappy stuff.  Question of the day:  Does Jessie B have her Louisiana accent back?  Let me know.