The plan

I have to give him up right now. Not give up on him. Just let him go and grieve.  It’s what’s best for us.  I could go home and be with him on his days off.  But that’s not what’s best for us.I always did look at the overall picture.  Maybe I’m stronger than I think.  I hope he understands all this and why I’m doing it.

I can’t be stressed. I can’t have anxiety. It’s affecting my work and my work is going to get me to him.  Getting to him is my plan. I have no backup plan. He doesn’t even understand the depth of that. I have always had a back up plan.

-There’s nothing else to lose. There’s nothing else to find. There’s nothing in the world that could change my

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Thunderstorms

My boss is outta town and I’m babysitting 14 horses.  And there is a thunderstorm. All my life I hated thunderstorms. I still don’t know why????

I wish I was in his arms right now.  That’s literally all I can think about.  I know he’d hold me through every storm for the rest of our lives. It’s like so fuckin ironic.  I don’t even like touch. But I crave his touch. I’m going to like his touch.

-I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.

– Am I in too deep? Have i lost my mind?    💜💋

I’m not scared.

I’m so used to guys manipulating me. I do it too.  It’s human nature.  But I never did it to Blake.  Never not once.  And he’s falling.  And I’m falling.  It’s scary as fuck but I’m not scared. For the first time in my life I’m not fuckin scared.  I’m not running away.  He’s going through his stuff and I’m letting him deal.  I’ll still be here when he’s better.  My heart literally breaks for him until then.

-We’ll do it all. On our own.  We don’t need anyone. 💜💋

Still here

Still here he says. He’s my wonderwall.  He’s going to be the one that saves me. I haven’t loved a whole bunch of people romantically but I know I love him.  Those words are over used anyway. I am in awe of him.  My baby is intoxicating. I’m better for the time being and look forward to the life we will live.

But right now I just gotta save myself. God I need you more than ever.  I know we had our ups and downs but the ups made me believe and I still believe.  I know I’m not perfect or even close to it but you’ve never left me before.  And you’re the only thing I have right now.

I’m also kinda sad that I only run to God when I need something.  It wasn’t always like that. I never really lived my life. I feel like once I’ve found my soulmate and we are together then I can start living.  I found him. I’m working on the next part. Then everything will finally be as it should.

-All I can do is fall on my knees and cry.  Draw me close. Closer than before. Closer than I’ve ever been.

I break everything I touch.

My boyfriend is the most amazing guy ever.  Like seriously.  I just don’t even know what the do with him.  I just read every text I ever sent to him.  God I’m so crazy.  And I drink way too much right now.  I say right now because I would not be like that if I wasn’t here.  I know this. I wasn’t drunk when I wasn’t here.

God I hate my life.   I think I might have lost him.   Looking back at those text messages he was so in.   But now I’m not sure.  It’s been three days since the music.  I’ve listened to the songs over and over every minute I’m not at work.  That’s not healthy and I know it.  That’s not me either.  He changed me then went away from me.  God I just long for the day he comes back.  If he comes back.  At this point in not sure if he’s still in. I don’t feel him at all.  Even through the music. *sigh*   peace out bitches.

Three little words.

It’s funny how three words can change your life. No not those three words. I love you isn’t some magical fix.  If it were then I’d be married to my best friend of eight years.  I loved that boy with all my heart. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t the right time or person.  And He (God) knew that.

Fast forward ten years and here I am.  I have this incredible boyfriend.  He’s seriously incredible.  He served my country.  He makes me smile and laugh.  He loves to cook.   He may not be perfect but I think he’s perfect for me.  Oh yeah I should say that even on his worst day I’m still so hella attracted to him.  😀😂

I’m still in. That’s all needed to hear. So like my beautiful boyfriend is going through some really fucking tough shit right now. The one thing I can do to help him I physically can’t do.  And it fuckin kills me inside.  I don’t think he even knows that. I feel other people’s pain way too much. Empathy? There has to be a better word.

So anyway he began to push me away. At first I understood,  but then I lost faith in us.  I was dealing with my own demons and for the first time in my life I needed someone else. Someone who couldn’t be there. I got scared. I got a little crazy.  Okay I’m always a little crazy. I got a lot crazy. But he said I’m still in. That’s all I needed to hear.

-I’m standing here until you make me move.  I’m hanging by a moment here with you. 💋💜

Baby you saved me

I for real love this dude and I’ve only known him for less than two months and never even met him in real life. So I asked him to send me songs and he sent the best ones.

Wonderwall. Lifehouse! Fireflies.

Lollipop. Who the fuck even knows that song? He even busted out All For One.  My baby is a rare gem.

-I’m here without you baby but you still on my lonely mind 💜💋