In December of 2013 I met a guy. This guy was different than any other. I was 29 and ready to settle down forever. I was tired of the dating game. He told me that I was the last girl he ever wanted to get to know. That pretty much won my heart. Things were great, amazing, the best time of my life… for a while. Then it all went away. He started getting a lot of attention from the internet. I did not matter anymore. He would find old married fat chicks and make them fall in love with him. Meanwhile I had guys in my inbox telling me how beautiful I was. I politely declined them and told them I had a boyfriend. I did the right thing. Until I didn’t…He was getting an ego boost from these girls falling for him. I needed an ego boost. I never ever in my life had self esteem issues until now. I was miserable. So I stopped telling guys I had a boyfriend. If they did not ask, I did not tell. I lived a secret life.
He sat on his couch and talked to girls. I sat on mine and led guys on. Men are really dumb. I did all this on my backup profile that only had like five pictures. When they asked for pictures I would send them ones from my main profile. Eventually I would get bored and tell them that I had a boyfriend. This went on for a while. I’d say since the beginning of the year so like nine months. Then something really crazy happened. I got a friend request. Scanned the dude’s profile. Messaged him about something. I needed his help. He was not a target at all. During the process of talking to him, he said I was cute. Hummmmmm. Again I did not target him. But I did look over his profile again and saw that he was super cute… No hella cute… No Hella frickin fine. Like for real the most attractive guy I have ever seen. The more I talked to him, the more I liked about him. I broke my rules for him. I actually took pictures for him. I officially had a crush on him. I have never cheated on anyone but I would have broke that rule for him too if I had a car. I played it cool though. At least I think I did. Who knows? Well I finally got the courage to tell him I had a crush and that is when the bomb was dropped. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m kinda dating someone”
He’s like a really good guy and I was actually happy for him. Then the next day I was angry and hurt. He didn’t want me to hate him. Not because he gives a crap about me, he just cares too much what people think of him. Or maybe he just wants me on the hook in case it doesn’t work out with his girlfriend. Probably a combination of both. IDK. I said what I had to say. I am no longer angry at him. I blocked men before they said what they had to say. I’m starting to have a conscious and feel bad about manipulating people’s emotions. Anyway he has helped me with the original thing that I came to him for. He will be in my book that I am writing about my life. I believe that God has a reason for everything. There was a reason I met him. There was a reason it all happened the way it did. We live and we learn. Things are being set into motion and I will soon leave here and start a new life. This relationship has left me feeling like I will never find “true love.” I may get over that but then again I may not and I am okay with either outcome. I have learned that no matter how pretty you are or how much you do for a person, you cannot make someone love you. My crush has actually helped me more than words can explain and I will be forever grateful for that.
“I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future.”
*I’m done* with trying to find the right path for my life- I recently wanted to change jobs so badly. I went to the owner of Sonic and told him this. He had already heard that I might quit and already had a plan for me. That plan included a good raise, all the overtime I can handle, and carhopping time (which never happens). I learned that if you want something to change you gotta make it happen. I went around griping about my work situation, but when I stood up for myself good things happened.
*I’m done* with trying to find love- If you’ve read my blog before this one, then you’d know that I was crushing on a friend. I messed up and fell for a friend. But I’m done with that. I’m 23 and I’m really not in the place that I thought I’d be by now. I see lots of people from High School married or have children. I don’t have anyone, nor do I have the time to find someone right. And finally I have accepted that. I won’t allow guys to treat me like crap *coughdavidcough* nor will I pursue a guy. I just don’t have the time or energy and I think that good things come to those who wait.
*I’m done* worrying and stressing out about everything- I have made myself sick for the last year. I lost 20 pounds. In the words of my family, I look like a skinny cracked out model. I can’t tell you the last time I exercised, ran, read a book or done anything for myself. I’m tired all the time because I stay up worrying about things that don’t matter nor will ever matter. God is in control of my life. He has a plan for me and won’t let me not fulfill it. He’s never let me down and I have faith in that fact that He never will.
I can’t believe it’s been almost a whole year since I’ve let the internet world in on my life. This will be long, but worth it. If you read it all then I’ll give you some kudos.
Well my 19 year old sister, Amber, just had her baby about an hour ago. His name is Jaden and he weighed 7 pounds 4 ounces. She’s doing fine. She had to have him by C section which sucks for her because she’ll have a longer recovery time. I won’t be able to go see her for a while though (see “Work” section below.) My family came to Tulsa in May and stayed for 5 days. They kinda hinted that they wanted me to move back home, to which I pretty much replied a big HELL NO! But after looking at my life here in Tulsa, that’s not really looking like a bad idea.
I worked at Sonic on 81st and Lewis for a year. I think I only enjoyed my 1st and last month there. Yea I pretty much hated it the rest of the time. Then I went to Jenks Sonic and my big outspoken mouth got my fired from there. But then as my luck would have it, the owner and women who fired me, called me and recommended me to another store. So now I am at 59th and Lewis Sonic. I love the owner there and the whole environment is just very laid back. But since I just got this job, there is no way I can go home anytime soon. I am also the nanny to a child that I really love. I also clean the mother’s house which I really hate. So I work like 70 hours a week and its really killing me. Therefore I am trying to find a “real” job, but that’s really hard bc I really have no idea what I want and are qualified to do.
Right now I am currently single and for the most part loving it. I’ve been in a couple of relationships over the past 18 months and now I’m just trying to love the single life. I met an amazing guy on Match.com. The site promises that if you don’t find someone in 6 months you get your money back. Well it only took my 2 months to find Billy Joe. Our relationship moved very quickly and we were married in Vegas a month later. Well that was a month ago and I just signed the divorce papers this morning. “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all.” Sometimes I miss having “someone there.” That statement kind of makes me sound co-dependent which is so not true, but I guess I really do miss friends. Going from living on a floor with 25 other girls that would do anything for you, to living in the ghetto where people would do anything to steal something from you, is a huge change.
I am working myself to death and I hate it. I wish that I could just win the lottery, except that would be hard because I don’t play the lottery. Maybe I’ll start. I miss my friends. I’ve secluded myself for the past year and lost touch with the people I care about. It’s my own fault. I’ve made new friends and for the most part I like them, but sometimes friends are just another chore in my life. The people I work with at this new Sonic are like one big family, but not really the type of people I think I’ll be chilling with anytime soon. If you live in Tulsa and need a roommate or know of anyone who does, then give me a holla cuz I gotsa get the heck of my current housing bc it sucks being awaken by gun shots on more than one occasion.
P.S. I am kidding about the match.com thing. If you know me at all, you would know that I am a kidder. I just thought my love life was so boring that I had to make up a little story for ya’ll.
Here’s the scoop on my life.
I cut all my hair off and gave it to locks for love. Worthy cause, but I really don’t like my hair all the much. I cried for the first 5 days. Then I learned how to make it straight instead of volume galore and now it’s ok. A guy friend of my told me I look better than he’s ever seen me and he’s known me since my freshman year in college ( He’s married don’t get any ideas).
Anyway in other news this one time I was trying to park at my house and some crazy lady was trying to pass in a no passing and hit my car. Then she got out and yelled at me. Yep she really was crazy. Then when I told her I had to call the cops she said I was just doing it because she was black. She then she left and we wrote down her license plate number. After we filed the police report we learned that we must have wrote it down wrong. So then I was freaking bc I don’t have insurance to cover myself and now we lost the crazy lady. Well I went through a phase where I had to depend on my roommate and her car. That was crazy bc I aint’ used to depending on anyone. Then my wonderful friend Karen let me borrow her car. She’s saved my sanity. Ok so I got it fixed for about $700. It is ok, but I can’t open my door. Who cares I got 3 other ones to open so I am fine with the car now.
Also I went to the casino one night ( bad thing to do…really really bad thing to do. Never go!!!) but so I won $2,300. But still don’t go. It is bad for you. So I used that money to pay off my flippin medical bills! It cost me $1,600 for them to tell me that I had an infection. Dang doctors. So as of this moment my life is crazy. I am working on some things. Well actually a lot of things. In 6 months I will be in another country for 10 months. Life is just moving way too fast. I feel like nobody reads this crap anymore so now I write for myself. I am reading a lot. Blue Like Jazz rocked my world. Flashbang by Mark Steele is getting up there too. Um I saw the Butterfly Effect and it is one of my top five movies now. Netflix is amazing. I get to watch Boy Meets World and plenty of other movies. So I was gonna go home, but I am now broke and with gas at almost $3 a gallon i guess i will be staying in Tulsa. I hate my job mainly bc I don’t like the hierarchy flow. You have no idea what that means but it’s ok. Favoritism is running ramped in that place and even though I am part of the good side, I still don’t like it. Also working at Sonic in Tulsa OK in the summer is Fricking hot. So hot that everyone gets sick everyday. It has to get better. It can’t get worse. I miss true friendships. Whatever that means…
Best of times=the beach.
I spent two amazing days on the beach. I pretty much decided that I really wanna live near a beach when I grow up. First I went to surf side at night with Kristen and Tara. Did I mention I hate bathing suits? Well lucky for us that wasn’t a problem… hahahaha. Check that off my things to do before I die list! You figure it out. I also had fun when I went home. I took my little brother and my friend’s son skating Saturday. The owner thought I was TJ’s mom so I got in free and TJ called me mom the whole time. I thought it was funny. It was crazy to bring my friend’s sin bc his mom and dad met at the skating rink and now they are married and have him. I used to skate at that very rink with his parents. It made me feel real old. And TJ calling me mom didn’t help. Anyway Saturday night my sister told all her friends that she had to stay home and spent time with me before I went to El Salvodor. So that was cool bc we really aren’t super close, but we spent lots of quality time together this trip. Church was great. I told lots of pl about El Salvador and they were so excited for me. I know this is the right thing for me.
Worst of times=the hospital
Pretty much Thursday was one of the top 5 worst days in my life. Friday I had the tests done and they put me to sleep. I was pretty scared about getting put to sleep for what they called “outpatient surgery.” Anyway it is over and they removed some polyps. They are sending one off the make sure it ain’t cancerous. The worst part was that the night before I had to drink two bottles of this nasty crap that was intended to clean out my system. Well all I got to say about that is that you can’t pay me enough to clean out my system ever again. I’m pretty sure that was worse than any flu or anything else I ever had to go through. God I am so glad I don’t ever have to worry about having a kid because that is the only thing I can think of that would be worse than what I experienced.
In other news
I’ve realized how much I’ve grown to love Tulsa. I even miss the Christian Rock station. I missed it almost as much as I miss my boyfriend and I do miss my boyfriend A LOT! Also I have worked at Sonic for two days. They have me making drinks, which doesn’t sound hard, but let me tell you! Every frickin’ order comes with a drink and I make it. All day I can never move from that frickin station. Well I have to go through the bad before I get to what I really want to do and that is carhop then manage then own a store then become a millionaire. Just kidding. I really have no idea what I am gonna do after El Salvador. And I miss my boyfriend more than I ever thought was possible. OK I am gonna shut up now.
No time for real cool writing because I have summer school papers to do, but I do love you all enough to keep you updated.
In January I am movin to El Salvador to teach English for ten months.
I am currently in Tulsa or the summer and fall.
I will be working at Sonic across from ORU.
This summer I really wanna learn how to play Texas Hold ‘em
I joined a church softball team and that makes me happy.
I passed my Spanish class and that also makes me happy.
I live with Nikki, but she’s gone until June. So are the rest of my friends (except Jo, but she’s super busy with class now) and my boyfriend is gone to Thailand. I also have no cable or internet. Can you say may=lonely for me???
I am going to my sister’s graduation in a couple of days. I can’t believe she’s already graduating.
If you are a praying person then you should pray for me because I am going to the hospital when I go home to get some tests run on my stomach. I don’t like hospitals at all and this is huge scary for me. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Too much is going on for a full update so we’ll use the bullet point method
Life is moving faster than i can keep up with
I’m pretty sure I like a boy, which is frickin scary for me
I’m gonna take more risks in life
For the first time in a very long time I am living by faith
I am giving all these millions of decisions to God
I signed a lease to an apartment basement for the summer (I know, a basement, but it looks cooler than it sounds)
I will be done with my undergrad career in July thanks to my paw paw paying my summer school tuition.
I’ve lost all my numbers so call me or message me via AIM, Myspace, Email, Facebook something so i can get your number!
I love you all. Especially you and you too. And you over there.
And now for some very good quotes I discovered
One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
There is no security on this earth. Only opportunity.
Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties.
There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.