I hate mothers day. I can’t have kids “they” say. Shit like that makes me question God. Like I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was six. All my fuckin life I’ve been taking care of people. It’s literally ingrained in my DNA. Why would God not allow me to take care of my very own child??? But then after many many tears and an anxiety attack, I thank that same God that I am still alive. Too much has happened to me that I simply cannot attribute to anyone else but God.
And a lot of people can say “too much has happened to convince me that there is no God.” I get it. People that have lost a child really get to me. If you lose a child and you still believe in God you are my super hero. If you lose a child and don’t believe in God then I’m literally at a loss for words.
My grandpa died on mothers day two years ago. He was MY Jesus. My savior. He was the only person to never let me down. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. I can still hear his voice. Some days I thank God for that. Some days I hate Him for it. Happy mothers day to all the lucky ones out there.
*I’m done* with trying to find the right path for my life- I recently wanted to change jobs so badly. I went to the owner of Sonic and told him this. He had already heard that I might quit and already had a plan for me. That plan included a good raise, all the overtime I can handle, and carhopping time (which never happens). I learned that if you want something to change you gotta make it happen. I went around griping about my work situation, but when I stood up for myself good things happened.
*I’m done* with trying to find love- If you’ve read my blog before this one, then you’d know that I was crushing on a friend. I messed up and fell for a friend. But I’m done with that. I’m 23 and I’m really not in the place that I thought I’d be by now. I see lots of people from High School married or have children. I don’t have anyone, nor do I have the time to find someone right. And finally I have accepted that. I won’t allow guys to treat me like crap *coughdavidcough* nor will I pursue a guy. I just don’t have the time or energy and I think that good things come to those who wait.
*I’m done* worrying and stressing out about everything- I have made myself sick for the last year. I lost 20 pounds. In the words of my family, I look like a skinny cracked out model. I can’t tell you the last time I exercised, ran, read a book or done anything for myself. I’m tired all the time because I stay up worrying about things that don’t matter nor will ever matter. God is in control of my life. He has a plan for me and won’t let me not fulfill it. He’s never let me down and I have faith in that fact that He never will.
I can’t believe it’s been almost a whole year since I’ve let the internet world in on my life. This will be long, but worth it. If you read it all then I’ll give you some kudos.
Well my 19 year old sister, Amber, just had her baby about an hour ago. His name is Jaden and he weighed 7 pounds 4 ounces. She’s doing fine. She had to have him by C section which sucks for her because she’ll have a longer recovery time. I won’t be able to go see her for a while though (see “Work” section below.) My family came to Tulsa in May and stayed for 5 days. They kinda hinted that they wanted me to move back home, to which I pretty much replied a big HELL NO! But after looking at my life here in Tulsa, that’s not really looking like a bad idea.
I worked at Sonic on 81st and Lewis for a year. I think I only enjoyed my 1st and last month there. Yea I pretty much hated it the rest of the time. Then I went to Jenks Sonic and my big outspoken mouth got my fired from there. But then as my luck would have it, the owner and women who fired me, called me and recommended me to another store. So now I am at 59th and Lewis Sonic. I love the owner there and the whole environment is just very laid back. But since I just got this job, there is no way I can go home anytime soon. I am also the nanny to a child that I really love. I also clean the mother’s house which I really hate. So I work like 70 hours a week and its really killing me. Therefore I am trying to find a “real” job, but that’s really hard bc I really have no idea what I want and are qualified to do.
Right now I am currently single and for the most part loving it. I’ve been in a couple of relationships over the past 18 months and now I’m just trying to love the single life. I met an amazing guy on Match.com. The site promises that if you don’t find someone in 6 months you get your money back. Well it only took my 2 months to find Billy Joe. Our relationship moved very quickly and we were married in Vegas a month later. Well that was a month ago and I just signed the divorce papers this morning. “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all.” Sometimes I miss having “someone there.” That statement kind of makes me sound co-dependent which is so not true, but I guess I really do miss friends. Going from living on a floor with 25 other girls that would do anything for you, to living in the ghetto where people would do anything to steal something from you, is a huge change.
I am working myself to death and I hate it. I wish that I could just win the lottery, except that would be hard because I don’t play the lottery. Maybe I’ll start. I miss my friends. I’ve secluded myself for the past year and lost touch with the people I care about. It’s my own fault. I’ve made new friends and for the most part I like them, but sometimes friends are just another chore in my life. The people I work with at this new Sonic are like one big family, but not really the type of people I think I’ll be chilling with anytime soon. If you live in Tulsa and need a roommate or know of anyone who does, then give me a holla cuz I gotsa get the heck of my current housing bc it sucks being awaken by gun shots on more than one occasion.
P.S. I am kidding about the match.com thing. If you know me at all, you would know that I am a kidder. I just thought my love life was so boring that I had to make up a little story for ya’ll.
I cut all my hair off and gave it to locks for love. Worthy cause, but I really don’t like my hair all the much. I cried for the first 5 days. Then I learned how to make it straight instead of volume galore and now it’s ok. A guy friend of my told me I look better than he’s ever seen me and he’s known me since my freshman year in college ( He’s married don’t get any ideas).
Anyway in other news this one time I was trying to park at my house and some crazy lady was trying to pass in a no passing and hit my car. Then she got out and yelled at me. Yep she really was crazy. Then when I told her I had to call the cops she said I was just doing it because she was black. She then she left and we wrote down her license plate number. After we filed the police report we learned that we must have wrote it down wrong. So then I was freaking bc I don’t have insurance to cover myself and now we lost the crazy lady. Well I went through a phase where I had to depend on my roommate and her car. That was crazy bc I aint’ used to depending on anyone. Then my wonderful friend Karen let me borrow her car. She’s saved my sanity. Ok so I got it fixed for about $700. It is ok, but I can’t open my door. Who cares I got 3 other ones to open so I am fine with the car now.
Also I went to the casino one night ( bad thing to do…really really bad thing to do. Never go!!!) but so I won $2,300. But still don’t go. It is bad for you. So I used that money to pay off my flippin medical bills! It cost me $1,600 for them to tell me that I had an infection. Dang doctors. So as of this moment my life is crazy. I am working on some things. Well actually a lot of things. In 6 months I will be in another country for 10 months. Life is just moving way too fast. I feel like nobody reads this crap anymore so now I write for myself. I am reading a lot. Blue Like Jazz rocked my world. Flashbang by Mark Steele is getting up there too. Um I saw the Butterfly Effect and it is one of my top five movies now. Netflix is amazing. I get to watch Boy Meets World and plenty of other movies. So I was gonna go home, but I am now broke and with gas at almost $3 a gallon i guess i will be staying in Tulsa. I hate my job mainly bc I don’t like the hierarchy flow. You have no idea what that means but it’s ok. Favoritism is running ramped in that place and even though I am part of the good side, I still don’t like it. Also working at Sonic in Tulsa OK in the summer is Fricking hot. So hot that everyone gets sick everyday. It has to get better. It can’t get worse. I miss true friendships. Whatever that means…
Best of times=the beach.
I spent two amazing days on the beach. I pretty much decided that I really wanna live near a beach when I grow up. First I went to surf side at night with Kristen and Tara. Did I mention I hate bathing suits? Well lucky for us that wasn’t a problem… hahahaha. Check that off my things to do before I die list! You figure it out. I also had fun when I went home. I took my little brother and my friend’s son skating Saturday. The owner thought I was TJ’s mom so I got in free and TJ called me mom the whole time. I thought it was funny. It was crazy to bring my friend’s sin bc his mom and dad met at the skating rink and now they are married and have him. I used to skate at that very rink with his parents. It made me feel real old. And TJ calling me mom didn’t help. Anyway Saturday night my sister told all her friends that she had to stay home and spent time with me before I went to El Salvodor. So that was cool bc we really aren’t super close, but we spent lots of quality time together this trip. Church was great. I told lots of pl about El Salvador and they were so excited for me. I know this is the right thing for me.
Worst of times=the hospital
Pretty much Thursday was one of the top 5 worst days in my life. Friday I had the tests done and they put me to sleep. I was pretty scared about getting put to sleep for what they called “outpatient surgery.” Anyway it is over and they removed some polyps. They are sending one off the make sure it ain’t cancerous. The worst part was that the night before I had to drink two bottles of this nasty crap that was intended to clean out my system. Well all I got to say about that is that you can’t pay me enough to clean out my system ever again. I’m pretty sure that was worse than any flu or anything else I ever had to go through. God I am so glad I don’t ever have to worry about having a kid because that is the only thing I can think of that would be worse than what I experienced.
In other news
I’ve realized how much I’ve grown to love Tulsa. I even miss the Christian Rock station. I missed it almost as much as I miss my boyfriend and I do miss my boyfriend A LOT! Also I have worked at Sonic for two days. They have me making drinks, which doesn’t sound hard, but let me tell you! Every frickin’ order comes with a drink and I make it. All day I can never move from that frickin station. Well I have to go through the bad before I get to what I really want to do and that is carhop then manage then own a store then become a millionaire. Just kidding. I really have no idea what I am gonna do after El Salvador. And I miss my boyfriend more than I ever thought was possible. OK I am gonna shut up now.
No time for real cool writing because I have summer school papers to do, but I do love you all enough to keep you updated.
In January I am movin to El Salvador to teach English for ten months.
I am currently in Tulsa or the summer and fall.
I will be working at Sonic across from ORU.
This summer I really wanna learn how to play Texas Hold ‘em
I joined a church softball team and that makes me happy.
I passed my Spanish class and that also makes me happy.
I live with Nikki, but she’s gone until June. So are the rest of my friends (except Jo, but she’s super busy with class now) and my boyfriend is gone to Thailand. I also have no cable or internet. Can you say may=lonely for me???
I am going to my sister’s graduation in a couple of days. I can’t believe she’s already graduating.
If you are a praying person then you should pray for me because I am going to the hospital when I go home to get some tests run on my stomach. I don’t like hospitals at all and this is huge scary for me. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Too much is going on for a full update so we’ll use the bullet point method
Life is moving faster than i can keep up with
I’m pretty sure I like a boy, which is frickin scary for me
I’m gonna take more risks in life
For the first time in a very long time I am living by faith
I am giving all these millions of decisions to God
I signed a lease to an apartment basement for the summer (I know, a basement, but it looks cooler than it sounds)
I will be done with my undergrad career in July thanks to my paw paw paying my summer school tuition.
I’ve lost all my numbers so call me or message me via AIM, Myspace, Email, Facebook something so i can get your number!
I love you all. Especially you and you too. And you over there.
And now for some very good quotes I discovered
One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
There is no security on this earth. Only opportunity.
Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties.
There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.
Nice to see you in the same condition I left you. Why are you so appealing to me? Why do I feel the need to pour out my heart to you and thus entitling the whole XangaLand to see my heart as well?. Oh xanga I love you and I hate you. But right now, at this moment, you are what I need. Major descions are in the process of being made in my life. Pray for me. Pray that the Lord gives me clear direction. I am in the middle of teaching an ESL class downtown. It hurts my heart to teach those kids. God it breaks me. Could I really do it everyday? Am I the one for that? If not that then what? I am at a loss… I am at this point in my life where I just wanna be free. The other day I was walking out of the GC and this man (about 35 years old) comes skipping out of the GC, yelling “I am free!” Ok so yeah for you being free dude. So he says it more than once then he proceeds to tell me why he is free. Well you see this fellow was gonna be 2 credits short of graduating but instead he somehow changed one of his electives to count even though he had made a “D” in it. Yippe he now gets to walk in May and be done with this stage of his life. Oh how I wanted that to be me. Eight months ago i cried myself to sleep for 33 straight days because I missed this place so much. Now I want more than ever to just get away….far far away.
Dios me encuentra aquí. Encuéntreme donde soy y me muestra donde Usted me necesita ser
I am taking a break from AIM, Facebook, Myspace and Xanga for a while. A lot has been going on in my life. There are so many things I need to process, think about and evaluate. I need to go back to the basics with Jesus. I need Jesus now more than ever. This week I am going to seek His face and I’m not giving up until He shows up. See ya then.
Gosh guys I don’t know what to say, but I feel as though I have to say something because it has been over a month. I had an amazing break and an even more amazing 22nd birthday. This break I had to much planned, but my computer died and ruined all my plans. So basically I just like caught up on so much beauty sleep I could be a frickin’ model. But yeah now I procrastinate even more as I feel the need to inform the xanga world of my currant life situations. This week I was called anti-social. Now usually I guess I would just blow this comment off , but it was made by a guy I had just met once and I thought we had a good conversation. That thought brings me to case in point. Perception is reality. Really it is. So if anyone was wondering…I don’t consider myself anti-social and now because of the power of Myspace messages, I doubt he does either.
In other news…I recommend Walk the Line the story of Johnny Cash. I also recommend reading for pleasure, it rocks my socks off. And um yeah this guy said “you make time for the things that matter, even if you don’t have it.” i agree with that. And one last thing: Drink lots of water and let your friends know you care.